Shame - Who's beliefs are these?

Hello wonderful human.

I was working with a new client last week and in our session, my heart dropped for them.

They were deeply ashamed of what their bedroom desires were because they didn't match up to the ones society tells us are acceptable: "loving & romantic".

We grow up being read fairytales: stories of love and connection filling us with hope. As we reach our teen years the world around us starts to send us more messages around what love, relationships and sex look like. Think of all the romance movies, love stories and scenes of passionate and connected sex, ending in orgasms for both people a couple of moments after penetration. Yikes. This is ENTERTAINMENT people, NOT EDUCATION.

When it comes to intimacy and relationships, many of us feel like we should just know how to do it, and do it well, even though most of us never received meaningful guidance. The guidance we did receive from our education, society, family, culture and religion typically had a particular agenda and gave us one direction or item on the menu.

Let's take a closer look shall we?

Education and Societal messages

Traditional sex education focuses on the risks of sex—STIs and pregnancy—but not on healthy, enjoyable intimacy and pleasure. Here are some examples of the messages you might have internalised: Sex is: dirty, for people in love and married, for men's pleasure, only done in the bedroom with one other person, sex is dangerous and you'll get a disease, is romantic & loving, any other sex is for people with issues.

If you were born with male parts and socialised as a man you may have gotten the messages that: you should always be ready for sex, you should have a lot of it, you can have it with as many people as you like, you should be manly and strong, do not cry or show other soft emotions.

If you were born with female parts and socialised as a female you likely got the messages that: men are very horny and will want sex from you, men will use you for sex, you shouldn't like sex too much, you should not have a high body count, you should be pretty and precious.

These are only just a few of the hundreds of messages we get about sex as we grow up. Never mind the media and marketing telling us how our bodies should look so that we will be loved and desired.

Take a moment to check in with yourself and how you're feeling. Reading these can bring up a lot of emotions or past experiences, please take care of yourself and if you need a break from reading, listen to that.

Welcome back.

Can you see that it's no surprise that so many of us are a bit lost or stuck when it comes to relationships, intimacy and sex? We haven't been given the whole picture, the full menu of what's available or been taught the skills on how to navigate it all in a way that builds connection and explores the depths of pleasure. Who gets to decide what's hot for you? No one but YOU!

This above is what I offered to my client. They had so many lightbulb moments realising that the beliefs they had were not their own.

And as if by magic, they had the hottest sex that very night.

And that's just the beginning...

*As always, I love hearing from you, so please reach out to me with any questions, comments, reflections or if you're ready to commit to your path of pleasure, book a call with me to see how I can support you in your journey.